Roses
by xonceinadream
Summary: Remus and Sirius find a bench in a park that they choose to be theirs. Life doesn't stay the same as Voldemort rises no matter how much they'd like it to.


**Written for R/S Games on livejournal. See my livejournal (linked on my profile page) for more details.**

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It starts the year after they leave Hogwarts.

Lily and James move in together immediately after they graduate, already planning on a summer wedding. Peter moves into a flat in Hogsmeade, unsure of what he is going to do with his life. That leaves Remus and Sirius and, honestly, it takes them a while to decide what they want to do. They want to see where their romance that had started after a drunk kiss during seventh year would take them but they don't believe that they're ready to live together yet. It is all so new. They've just graduated and they still need to find themselves as people. They rent separate places in London and promise each other that they'll see each other as much as they can.

Remus gets a job at a Muggle record shop. It's the last job that he would've expected to have but he enjoys it. He especially enjoys when Sirius comes in, leans against the shelves and listens to music to wait for Remus to get off. They go out together, arm in arm. They have dinner and walk down the street together and it's completely normal in a way that Remus never expected that he would ever have. He wonders how he managed to snag a boy who will do these things for him?

They find the park completely by accident. Sirius is trying to drag Remus, trying to get him to head back to Sirius' place and Remus is pulling playfully away, pretending that he doesn't want the exact same thing. Remus isn't quite sure how they end up in the park but Sirius only lets them get a few steps in before he's pulling Remus again to try to get him through.

They're laughing and very soon, Remus is collapsing on a park bench, hand on his stomach. "I can't- Stop, Sirius. Let me breathe." He feels older suddenly, looking around, knowing that students are currently sitting in Hogwarts, writing essays and practicing their Charms while he walks through a park with his boyfriend. It's still odd to him that he's finished. The colors around him are vivid, bright in the way that they seem to be most in autumn. Leaves crunch under their feet, covering the trail that they've been walking on.

Sirius sits down next to him, wrapping an arm around Remus' shoulders and Remus leans into him. "Knut for your thoughts."

"I'm thinking that we're graduates. Hogwarts is starting. We're getting older. For a while I thought that it would never happen, especially for you."

In school, Sirius might've pulled his wand playfully at Remus teasingly calling him immature but he nods because yes, he understands. He feels the same way, actually. He understands what Remus means about getting older. "Well, I guess we need something that stays the same."

Remus looks over at him, leaning in for a soft kiss. "Me and you," he says and it sounds like a promise that he's not sure that he can keep and neither are sure that they really want. They're young, after all. Both of them and while they're blinded by this young love, they know that they're not a love like James and Lily's.

They end up being a constant in each other's lives. They end up walking together in the park a lot, a shortcut between Remus' work and Sirius' flat. The leaves that they walk on disappears and snow arrives. They end up getting bundled up in scarves and gloves during cold months. Decorating for Halloween turns into kisses that taste like hot chocolate and they prolong their walks from his work more and more, neither one of them wanting to part. After all, they're still living apart so they end up at Sirius' flat for only a while before Remus has to get going to get home to bed for a long day at work the next day.

The bench turns into the spot that they spend the most time in. One of them will sit, pulling the other down to sit with them and they'll cuddle close. They can see their breath but it's better than Sirius' flat. This spot is theirs, something that they discovered with just the two of them and it has sentimental value to them.

Sirius gives Remus a kiss at New Year's Eve that turns into another and another. They pull away only when Sirius gets a Floo call, telling him that he's needed. One more kiss and Remus is left alone in Sirius' cold flat to curl up in Sirius' bed alone. He's been in Sirius' bed by himself, mornings that Sirius ran to get them breakfast or nights when they had run out of condoms but this is different. Remus knows Sirius won't be coming back soon.

Every day, Remus asks Albus for an update but he doesn't get one. They don't know where Sirius is and so Albus can't give him information. Remus can't owl him, can't try to contact him in any way. All that he can do is sit and wait. It seems like years but is only a week and a half later when Sirius shows up at the music store, leaning against a shelf and smirking.

Remus all but runs to him, running his hands down Sirius' chest, across his arms, uncaring at that moment if he even gets fired. "Are you alright?" Remus asks, all the worry that he's been feeling for the past few days evident in his tone.

"I'm alright," Sirius promises and he listens to a record until Remus gets off of work and they can go home together.

More and more, Sirius is sent out. Sometimes with James and sometimes alone. Remus doesn't worry as much when he's with James, knows that they will watch out for each other. Those weeks, he sometimes goes to stay with Lily, keeping her company and appreciating the company that she offers. More and more deaths are reported and Remus grows increasingly worried each time that he knows that Sirius is going away. It's before Sirius goes on a mission that they know is going to take more than a month when they're walking through the park and Sirius stops.

"I have something for you," Sirius says.

He hadn't realized that Sirius had stopped and so he takes the few steps back, looking over at him curiously. "Yes?" he asks.

When Sirius gestures, Remus looks down at the bench, raising his eyebrows as a rose appears on one end, a deep red. "It's a way to send you messages while I'm away. I've spent ages trying to come up with something since everything is so dangerous," Sirius explains, twirling his wand between his fingers. He whispers under his breath and an almost identical rose pops up next to it. The only difference is that this one is a bright blue. "The colors will be messages."

"What do the colors mean?" Remus asks, reaching down. As soon as he gets halfway close, a sign appears on the back of the bench and he reads it aloud. "Don't touch the roses. Muggles don't notice them and you don't want to look suspicious now, do you?"

Sirius grins, obviously amused by his sense of humor and Remus can't help but think that the sign is kind of adorable. "We'll figure it out. I have a few down. Green will mean that I'll be late getting home. Blue will mean things are going well and I'll be home soon. Red will mean I love you. So there will always be a red rose sitting on the bench for you."

At the last words, Remus turns, wrapping his arms around Sirius' neck and pulling him in for a slow kiss. It becomes something of a game to them, trying to come up with new colors and messages. Sirius comes up with an orangey-yellow color for when he wants Remus to cook a specific dinner for the night of his return and Remus says that he should send a purple rose if the place that he's at is nice.

One night Remus asks a question that had been on his mind for a while. "What will you send if you're not returning?" he asks, biting his lip.

They're together in bed, just curled up and relaxing since they've both had a long day. Sirius frowns, looking over at Remus, unsure of what he means by the question. "If I'm not returning?"

"Yes. What rose will you send if you're not coming back?"

Sirius shakes his head, leaning in for a kiss but Remus pulls away, wanting Sirius to actually answer the question. "That will never happen," Sirius finally says.

"But if it does. What color will you send?" Remus asks, more frantically, trying hard to keep himself from getting worked up. Part of him is sure he knows that it's a ridiculous thought. If Sirius dies then he won't be able to send him a rose anyway. But perhaps if he knows that there's no rose the color that Sirius says then he will be able to keep up his spirits.

Sirius considers the question for a moment before letting out a shaky breath. "Black. If I'm never coming back then there will be a black rose on the bench. The color of darkness. The color of my family."

Although he knows that Sirius meant to add some humor to the situation, Remus can't find any humor in it. He runs a hand along Sirius' chest, a scratch that hasn't healed. Sometimes, Sirius will joke about that as well. 'What, Remus? Don't you trust me?' 'Sirius Black can take care of himself in a fight.' 'Don't doubt me.' Sometimes he's more serious about it, tells Remus that he knows what he's doing. It doesn't help because even the best can be tricked or hurt or betrayed or manipulated.

Days grow hotter, longer and tensions increase. Remus does what he can but he's known around the darker circles. They know that he's a werewolf and so he can't go. He stays around headquarters with Lily, hating how useless that he is. As fall comes around again, Lily and James get married, a small wedding. It's cool outside and Sirius and Remus both stand with James. It's a day of celebration in between days of missions and deaths.

When Sirius and Remus move in together they enjoy that they can spend so much time together but in a distant part of his mind, Remus misses the bench. It seems that the only time he goes is when Sirius is gone. Sometimes there are piles of roses, saying what Sirius wants for dinner, what he bought while he was gone, whether he'll be home soon or he's delayed. Other times there's only the red rose there and those are the days that Remus leaves quickly, unwilling to think about what it could mean.

Its fall again before things change but they change in a big way. Lily learns she's pregnant. Windows are open wide and the smell of pumpkin pie is coming from the kitchen. Lily cries and James does too as Sirius and Remus watch, unable to comfort them. The pie burns and Remus barely gets it out before a fire. Two days later, Remus and Sirius help them move into a cottage in Godric's Hollow with the promise that they'll owl and visit and they'll see the baby often because it's going to be their first godchild. Of course, it's only technically Sirius' but Lily and James know that they'd support the baby together.

Days seem to pass quicker. Remus quits his Muggle job, taking small tasks for the Order and trying not to let the tension get to him. He and Sirius fight over little things, about leaving the tea kettle on or a sock that's gone missing or Sirius' family or the fact that Remus can't go out on missions for the Order. They always make up, even if it's weeks later and no matter how angry they are at each other, when Remus walks through the park and sees their bench, the red rose is always there.

It's a hot summer day when Harry James Potter is born. Lily holds him first, followed in quick succession by James, Sirius and then Remus. It reminds Remus of their wedding, a day to cherish and hold onto in the dark days. There's a bittersweet feeling in the air, the knowledge that he's born into a world of destruction. The knowledge that Voldemort is getting stronger and that he's after Harry.

Sirius and Remus stop making up, fighting so much that it seems to be pointless. They don't resolve things, simply forget about it and move on. Things are strained and Remus goes to the bench more now, sitting down and wishing that he could touch the red rose that's sitting next to him. The red rose is the constant, he thinks now, the constant that they were talking about. They still love each other. They may have problems but they still love each other.

They don't talk about their suspicions, about the fact that somebody deep in the Order is handing information to Voldemort. They don't ever talk at home about whether it could be one of them. It's something that would tear them apart. Sirius tells Remus with suspicious eyes that he's going to be doing something special for James and Lily, something important. Remus doesn't ask, doesn't wonder whether Sirius is going to betray them. It would _tear him apart_.

On Halloween they fight again. It's their biggest one. They finally accuse each other of things that they've never spoken about. Remus feels as if he's being ripped apart, ripped to shreds and he can't even breathe through the pain of it all. He's barely aware as Sirius leaves, saying that he has something to do.

Hours later, he gets the message. He falls to his knees at Dumbledore's feet, begging Dumbledore. "There's no mistake, Remus. He betrayed them." Dumbledore's tone is cold and it seems to freeze through him.

Remus knows that there's emotion underneath, knows that Dumbledore cares about James and Lily but he can't feel it. He stands up, needing to get out of there, feeling his throat closing up, the tears clogging in his throat. "Harry, Remus. Harry lives. He'll be taken to his aunt and uncle's house this evening. He'll be safest there."

"I can take care of him," Remus says but he knows that it's a lie. He has no money. He turns into a beast once a month on the full moon. He can't even breathe right now, let alone think of raising a child.

Letting out a shaky breath, the only sign that perhaps he's not as composed as he'd like Remus to think, Dumbledore reaches out, resting a hand on Remus' shoulder. "He'll be safest there."

There's no room for argument so Remus nods shortly, wasting no more time as he leaves the flat. He wants to go somewhere, wants to hide or see Sirius. Instead, he finds himself running. The streets are almost bare, children at school and the parents at work. The sun is high in the sky and he can see it just barely shining through the red leaves on a tree.

Remus reaches the bench out of breath and for a moment he doesn't see what color roses there are. When he does, he has to sit down. There's a sob building within him but he's too upset to even let it out, his heart pounding painfully in his chest. It hurts, so much, it hurts. Remus reaches out, trying to grasp the roses but they're just an illusion, not really there.

Sitting on the bench is a red rose (I love you), a pink rose (I'm yours) and a black rose (I'm never coming back), the kind that Sirius promised he'd never give him. Remus sits there for hours, until his cheeks are rosy from the cold and night has fallen. Alice Longbottom finds him, resting a hand on his shoulder. She tries to take him home but he sobs, begging to go anywhere but there. Alice takes him to her and Frank's home instead, giving him a strong potion for sleep. In the dreams all he can see is a black rose. Sirius isn't coming back.


End file.
